Skeleton Crew Read online

  At the Webbers' house Spike left a bottle of all-purpose cream filled with an acid gel. At the Jenners' he left five quarts of milk. Growing boys there. He had never seen them, but there was a treehouse out back, and sometimes there were bikes and ball bats left in the yard. At the Collinses' two quarts of milk and a carton of yogurt. At Miss Ordway's a carton of eggnog that had been spiked with belladonna.

  Down the block a door slammed. Mr. Webber, who had to go all the way into the city, opened the slatted carport door and went inside, swinging his briefcase. The milkman waited for the waspy sound of his little Saab starting up and smiled when he heard it. Variety is the spice of life, Spike's mother--God rest her soul!--had been fond of saying, but we are Irish, and the Irish prefer to take their 'taters plain. Be regular in all ways, Spike, and you will be happy. And it was just as true as could be, he had found as he rolled down the road of life in his neat beige milk truck.

  Only three houses left now.

  At the Kincaids' he found a note which read "Nothing today, thanks" and left a capped milk bottle which looked empty but contained a deadly cyanide gas. At the Walkers' he left two quarts of milk and a pint of whipping cream.

  By the time he reached the Mertons' at the end of the block, rays of sunlight were shining through the trees and dappling the faded hopscotch grid on the sidewalk which passed the Mertons' yard.

  Spike bent, picked up what looked like a pretty damned good hopscotching rock--flat on one side--and tossed it. The pebble landed on a line. He shook his head, grinned, and went up the walk, whistling.

  The light breeze brought him the smell of industrial laundry soap, making him think again of Rocky. He was surer all the time that he would be seeing Rocky. Tonight.

  Here the note was pinned in the Mertons' newspaper holder: Cancel

  Spike opened the door and went in.

  The house was crypt-cold and without furniture. Barren it was, stripped to the walls. Even the stove in the kitchen was gone; there was a brighter square of linoleum where it had stood.

  In the living room, every scrap of wallpaper had been removed from the walls. The globe was gone from the overhead light. The bulb had been fused black. A huge splotch of drying blood covered part of one wall. It looked like a psychiatrist's inkblot. In the center of it a crater had been gouged deeply into the plaster. There was a matted clump of hair in this crater, and a few splinters of bone.

  The milkman nodded, went back out, and stood on the porch for a moment. It would be a fine day. The sky was already bluer than a baby's eye, and patched with guileless little fair-weather clouds ... the ones baseball players call "angels."

  He pulled the note from the newspaper holder and crumpled it into a ball. He put it in the left front pocket of his white milkman's pants.

  He went back to his truck, kicking the stone from the hopscotch grid into the gutter. The milk truck rattled around the comer and was gone.

  The day brightened.

  A boy banged out of a house, grinned up at the sky, and brought in the milk.

  Big Wheels: A Tale of The Laundry Game (Milkman #2)

  Rocky and Leo, both drunk as the last lords of creation, cruised slowly down Culver Street and then out along Balfour Avenue toward Crescent. They were ensconced in Rocky's 1957 Chrysler. Between them, balanced with drunken care on the monstrous hump of the Chrysler's driveshaft, sat a case of Iron City beer. It was their second case of the evening--the evening had actually begun at four in the afternoon, which was punch-out time at the laundry.

  "Shit on a shingle!" Rocky said, stopping at the red blinker-light above the intersection of Balfour Avenue and Highway 99. He did not look for traffic in either direction, but did cast a sly glance behind them. A half-full can of I.C., emblazoned with a colorful picture of Terry Bradshaw, rested against his crotch. He took a swig and then turned left on 99. The universal joint made a thick grunting sound as they started chuggingly off in second gear. The Chrysler had lost its first gear some two months ago.

  "Gimme a shingle and I'll shit on it," Leo said obligingly.

  "What time is it?"

  Leo held his watch up until it was almost touching the tip of his cigarette and then puffed madly until he could get a reading. "Almost eight."

  "Shit on a shingle!" They passed a sign which read PITTSBURGH 44.

  "Nobody is going to inspect this here Detroit honey," Leo said. "Nobody in his right mind, at least."

  Rocky fetched third gear. The universal moaned to itself, and the Chrysler began to have the automotive equivalent of a petit mal epileptic seizure. The spasm eventually passed, and the speedometer climbed tiredly to forty. It hung there precariously.

  When they reached the intersection of Highway 99 and Devon Stream Road (Devon Stream formed the border between the townships of Crescent and Devon for some eight miles), Rocky turned onto the latter almost upon a whim--although perhaps even then some memory of ole Stiff Socks had begun to stir deep down in what passed for Rocky's subconscious.

  He and Leo had been driving more or less at random since leaving work. It was the last day of June, and the inspection sticker on Rocky's Chrysler would become invalid at exactly 12:01 A.M. tomorrow. Four hours from right now. Less than four hours from right now. Rocky found this eventuality almost too painful to contemplate, and Leo didn't care. It was not his car. Also, he had drunk enough Iron City beer to reach a state of deep cerebral paralysis.

  Devon Road wound through the only heavily wooded area of Crescent. Great bunches of elms and oaks crowded in on both sides, lush and alive and full of moving shadows as night began to close over southwestern Pennsylvania. The area was known, in fact, as The Devon Woods. It had attained capital-letter status after the torture-murder of a young girl and her boyfriend in 1968. The couple had been parking out here and were found in the boyfriend's 1959 Mercury. The Merc had real leather seats and a large chrome hood ornament. The occupants had been found in the back seat. Also in the front seat, the trunk, and the glove compartment. The killer had never been found.

  "Jughumper better not stall out here," Rocky said. "We're ninety miles from noplace."

  "Bunk." This interesting word had risen lately to the top forty of Leo's vocabulary. "There's town, right over there."

  Rocky sighed and sipped from his can of beer. The glow was not really town, but the kid was close enough to make argument worthless. It was the new shopping center. Those high-intensity arc sodium lights really threw a glare. While looking in that direction, Rocky drove the car over to the left side of the road, looped back, almost went into the right-hand ditch, and finally got back in his lane again.

  "Whoops," he said.

  Leo burped and gurgled.

  They had been working together at the New Adams Laundry since September, when Leo had been hired as Rocky's washroom helper. Leo was a rodent-featured young man of twenty-two who looked as if he might have quite a lot of jail-time in his future. He claimed he was saving twenty dollars a week from his pay to buy a used Kawasaki motorcycle. He said he was going west on this bike when cold weather came. Leo had held a grand total of twelve jobs since he and the world of academics had parted company at the minimum age of sixteen. He liked the laundry fine. Rocky was teaching him the various wash cycles, and Leo believed he was finally Learning a Skill which would come in handy when he reached Flagstaff.

  Rocky, an older hand, had been at New Adams for fourteen years. His hands, ghostlike and bleached as he handled the steering wheel, proved it. He had done a four-month bit for carrying a concealed weapon in 1970. His wife, then puffily pregnant with their third child, announced 1) that it was not his, Rocky's, child but the milkman's child; and 2) that she wanted a divorce, on grounds of mental cruelty.

  Two things about this situation had driven Rocky to carry a concealed weapon: 1) he had been cuckolded; and 2) he had been cuckolded by the fa chrissakes milkman, a trout-eyed long-haired piece of work named Spike Milligan. Spike drove for Cramer's Dairy.

  The milkman, for God's swe
et sake! The milkman, and could you die? Could you just fucking flop down into the gutter and die? Even to Rocky, who had never progressed much beyond reading the Fleer's Funnies that came wrapped around the bubble gum he chewed indefatigably at work, the situation had sonorous classical overtones.

  As a result, he had duly informed his wife of two facts: 1) no divorce; and 2) he was going to let a large amount of daylight into Spike Milligan. He had purchased a .32-caliber pistol some ten years ago, which he used occasionally to shoot at bottles, tin cans, and small dogs. He left his house on Oak Street that morning and headed for the dairy, hoping to catch Spike when he finished his morning deliveries.

  Rocky stopped at the Four Comers Tavern on the way to have a few beers--six, eight, maybe twenty. It was hard to remember. While he was drinking, his wife called the cops. They were waiting for him on the comer of Oak and Balfour. Rocky was searched, and one of the cops plucked the .32 from his waistband.

  "I think you are going away for a while, my friend," the cop who found the gun told him, and that was just what Rocky did. He spent the next four months washing sheets and pillowcases for the State of Pennsylvania. During this period his wife got a Nevada divorce, and when Rocky got out of the slam she was living with Spike Milligan in a Dakin Street apartment house with a pink flamingo on the front lawn. In addition to his two older children (Rocky still more or less assumed they were his), the couple were now possessed of an infant who was every bit as trout-eyed as his daddy. They were also possessed of fifteen dollars a week in alimony.

  "Rocky, I think I'm gettin carsick," Leo said. "Couldn't we just pull over and drink?"

  "I gotta get a sticker on my wheels," Rocky said. "This is important. A man's no good without his wheels."

  "Nobody in his right mind is gonna inspect this--I told you that. It ain't got no turn signals."

  "They blink if I step on the brake at the same time, and anybody who don't step on his brakes when he's makin a turn is lookin to do a rollover."

  "Window on this side's cracked."

  "I'll roll it down."

  "What if the inspectionist asks you to roll it up so he can check it?"

  "I'll burn that bridge when I come to it," Rocky said coolly. He tossed his beer can out and got a refill. This new one had Franco Harris on it. Apparently the Iron City company was playing the Steelers' Greatest Hits this summer. He popped the top. Beer splurted.

  "Wish I had a woman," Leo said, looking into the dark. He smiled strangely.

  "If you had a woman, you'd never get out west. What a woman does is keep a man from getting any further west. That's how they operate. That is their mission. Dint you tell me you wanted to go out west?"

  "Yeah, and I'm going, too."

  "You'll never go," Rocky said. "Pretty soon you'll have a woman. Next you'll have abalone. Alimony. You know. Women always lead up to alimony. Cars are better. Stick to cars."

  "Pretty hard to screw a car."

  "You'd be surprised," Rocky said, and giggled.

  The woods had begun to straggle away into new dwellings. Lights twinkled up on the left and Rocky suddenly slammed on the brakes. The brake lights and turn signals both went on at once; it was a home wiring job. Leo lurched forward, spilling beer on the seat. "What? What?"

  "Look," Rocky said. "I think I know that fella."

  There was a tumorous, ramshackle garage and Citgo filling station on the left side of the road. The sign in front said: BOB'S GAS & SERVICE

  BOB DRISCOLL, PROP.

  FRONT END ALIGNMENT OUR SPECIALTY

  DEFEND YOUR GOD-GIVEN RIGHT TO BEAR ARMS!

  And, at the very bottom: STATE INSPECTION STATION #72

  "Nobody in his right mind--" Leo began again.

  "It's Bobby Driscoll!" Rocky cried. "Me an Bobby Driscoll went to school together! We got it knocked! Bet your fur!"

  He pulled in unevenly, headlights illuminating the open door of the garage bay. He popped the clutch and roared toward it. A stoop-shouldered man in a green coverall ran out, making frantic stopping gestures.

  "Thass Bob!" Rocky yelled exultantly. "Heyyy, Stiff Socks!" They ran into the side of the garage. The Chrysler had another seizure, grand mal this time. A small yellow flame appeared at the end of the sagging tailpipe, followed by a puff of blue smoke. The car stalled gratefully. Leo lurched forward, spilling more beer. Rocky keyed the engine and backed off for another try.

  Bob Driscoll ran over, profanity spilling out of his mouth in colorful streamers. He was waving his arms. "--the hell you think you're doing, you goddam sonofa--"

  "Bobby!" Rocky yelled, his delight nearly orgasmic. "Hey Stiff Socks! Whatchoo say, buddy?"

  Bob peered in through Rocky's window. He had a twisted, tired face that was mostly hidden in the shadow thrown by the bill of his cap. "Who called me Stiff Socks?"

  "Me!" Rocky fairly screamed. "It's me, you ole fingerdiddler! It's your old buddy!"

  "Who in the hell--"

  "Johnny Rockwell! You gone blind as well as foolish?"

  Cautiously: "Rocky?"

  "Yeah, you sombitch!"

  "Christ Jesus." Slow, unwilling pleasure seeped across Bob's face. "I ain't seen you since... well . . . since the Catamounts game, anyway--"

  "Shoosh! Wa'n't that some hot ticket?" Rocky slapped his thigh, sending up a gusher of Iron City. Leo burped.

  "Sure it was. Only time we ever won our class. Even then we couldn't seem to win the championship. Say, you beat hell out of the side of my garage, Rocky. You--"

  "Yeah, same ole Stiff Socks. Same old guy. You ain't changed even a hair." Rocky belatedly peeked as far under the visor of the baseball cap as he could see, hoping this was true. It appeared, however, that ole Stiff Socks had gone either partially or completely bald. "Jesus! Ain't it somethin, runnin into you like this! Did you finally marry Marcy Drew?"

  "Hell, yeah. Back in '70. Where were you?"

  "Jail, most probably. Lissen, muhfuh, can you inspect this baby?"

  Caution again: "You mean your car?"

  Rocky cackled. "No--my ole hogleg! Sure, my car! Canya?"

  Bob opened his mouth to say no.

  "This here's an old friend of mine. Leo Edwards. Leo, wantcha to meet the only basketball player from Crescent High who dint change his sweatsocks for four years."

  "Pleesdameetcha," Leo said, doing his duty just as his mother had instructed on one of the occasions when that lady was sober.

  Rocky cackled. "Want a beer, Stiffy?"

  Bob opened his mouth to say no.

  "Here's the little crab-catcher!" Rocky exclaimed. He popped the top. The beer, crazied up by the headlong run into the side of Bob Driscoll's garage, boiled over the top and down Rocky's wrist. Rocky shoved it into Bob's hand. Bob sipped quickly, to keep his own hand from being flooded.

  "Rocky, we close at--"

  "Just a second, just a second, lemme back up. I got somethin crazy here."

  Rocky dragged the gearshift lever up into reverse, popped the clutch, skinned a gas pump, and then drove the Chrysler jerkily inside. He was out in a minute, shaking Bob's free hand like a politician. Bob looked dazed. Leo sat in the car, tipping a fresh beer. He was also farting. A lot of beer always made him fart.

  "Hey!" Rocky said, staggering around a pile of rusty hubcaps. "You member Diana Rucklehouse?"

  "Sure do," Bob said. An unwilling grin came to his mouth. "She was the one with the--" He cupped his hands in front of his chest.

  Rocky howled. "Thass her! You got it, muhfuh! She still in town?"

  "I think she moved to--"

  "Figures," Rocky said. "The ones who don't stay always move. You can put a sticker on this pig, cantcha?"

  "Well, my wife said she'd wait supper and we close at--"

  "Jesus, it'd sure put a help on me if you could. I'd sure preciate it. I could do some personal laundry for your wife. Thass what I do. Wash. At New Adams."

  "And I am learning," Leo said, and farted again.

  "Wash her dainties, whatever
you want. Whatchoo say, Bobby?"

  "Well, I s'pose I could look her over."

  "Sure," Rocky said, clapping Bob on the back and winking at Leo. "Same ole Stiff Socks. What a guy!"

  "Yeah," Bob said, sighing. He pulled on his beer, his oily fingers mostly obscuring Mean Joe Green's face. "You beat hell out of your bumper, Rocky."

  "Give it some class. Goddam car needs some class. But it's one big motherfuckin set of wheels, you know what I mean?"

  "Yeah, I guess--"

  "Hey! Wantcha to meet the guy I work with! Leo, this is the only basketball player from--"

  "You introduced us already," Bob said with a soft, despairing smile.

  "Howdy doody," Leo said. He fumbled for another can of Iron City. Silvery lines like railroad tracks glimpsed at high noon on a hot clear day were beginning to trace their way across his field of vision.

  "--Crescent High who dint change his--"

  "Want to show me your headlights, Rocky?" Bob asked.

  "Sure. Great lights. Halogen or nitrogen or some fucking gen. They got class. Pop those little crab-catchers right the fuck on, Leo."

  Leo turned on the windshield wipers.

  "That's good," Bob said patiently. He took a big swallow of beer. "Now how about the lights?"

  Leo popped on the headlights.

  "High beam?"

  Leo tapped for the dimmer switch with his left foot. He was pretty sure it was down there someplace, and finally he happened upon it. The high beams threw Rocky and Bob into sharp relief, like exhibits in a police lineup.

  "Fucking nitrogen headlights, what'd I tell you?" Rocky cried, and then cackled. "Goddam, Bobby! Seein you is better than gettin a check in the mail!"

  "How about the turn signals?" Bob asked.

  Leo smiled vaguely at Bob and did nothing.

  "Better let me do it," Rocky said. He bumped his head a good one as he got in behind the wheel. "The kid don't feel too good, I don't think." He cramped down on the brake at the same time he flicked up the turn-blinker.