Full Dark, No Stars Read online

  "You've been thick as thieves, that's true," she said. She had taken her hand from the top of her glass and I took the opportunity to fill it. "Always in the hay-mow or sitting on the woodpile or with your heads together in the back field. I thought it was about Shannon Cotterie." A sniff and a head-toss. But I thought she looked a little wistful, as well. She sipped at her second glass of wine. Two sips of a second glass and she could still put the glass down and go to bed. Four and I might as well hand her the bottle. Not to mention the other two I had standing by.

  "No," I said. "We haven't been talking about Shannon." Although I had seen Henry holding her hand on occasion as they walked the two miles to the Hemingford Home schoolhouse. "We've been talking about Omaha. He wants to go, I guess." It wouldn't do to lay it on too thick, not after a single glass of wine and two sips of another. She was suspicious by nature, was my Arlette, always looking for a deeper motive. And of course in this case I had one. "At least to try it on for size. And Omaha's not that far from Hemingford..."

  "No. It isn't. As I've told you both a thousand times." She sipped her wine, and instead of putting the glass down as she had before, she held it. The orange light above the western horizon was deepening to an otherworldly green-purple that seemed to burn in the glass.

  "If it were St. Louis, that would be a different thing."

  "I've given that idea up," she said. Which meant, of course, that she had investigated the possibility and found it problematic. Behind my back, of course. All of it behind my back except for the company lawyer. And she would have done that behind my back as well, if she hadn't wanted to use it as a club to beat me with.

  "Will they buy the whole piece, do you think?" I asked. "All 180 acres?"

  "How would I know?" Sipping. The second glass half-empty. If I told her now that she'd had enough and tried to take it away from her, she'd refuse to give it up.

  "You do, I have no doubt," I said. "That 180 acres is like St. Louis. You've investigated."

  She gave me a shrewd sidelong look... then burst into harsh laughter. "P'raps I have."

  "I suppose we could hunt for a house on the outskirts of town," I said. "Where there's at least a field or two to look at."

  "Where you'd sit on your ass in a porch-rocker all day, letting your wife do the work for a change? Here, fill this up. If we're celebrating, let's celebrate."

  I filled both. It only took a splash in mine, as I'd taken but a single swallow.

  "I thought I might look for work as a mechanic. Cars and trucks, but mostly farm machinery. If I can keep that old Farmall running"--I gestured with my glass toward the dark hulk of the tractor standing beside the barn--"then I guess I can keep anything running."

  "And Henry talked you into this."

  "He convinced me it would be better to take a chance at being happy in town than to stay here on my own in what would be sure misery."

  "The boy shows sense and the man listens! At long last! Hallelujah!" She drained her glass and held it out for more. She grasped my arm and leaned close enough for me to smell sour grapes on her breath. "You may get that thing you like tonight, Wilf." She touched her purple-stained tongue to the middle of her upper lip. "That nasty thing."

  "I'll look forward to that," I said. If I had my way, an even nastier thing was going to happen that night in the bed we had shared for 15 years.

  "Let's have Henry down," she said. She had begun to slur her words. "I want to congratulate him on finally seeing the light." (Have I mentioned that the verb to thank was not in my wife's vocabulary? Perhaps not. Perhaps by now I don't need to.) Her eyes lit up as a thought occurred to her. "We'll give 'im a glass of wine! He's old enough!" She elbowed me like one of the old men you see sitting on the benches that flank the courthouse steps, telling each other dirty jokes. "If we loosen his tongue a little, we may even find out if he's made any time with Shannon Cotterie... li'l baggage, but she's got pretty hair, I'll give 'er that."

  "Have another glass of wine first," said the Conniving Man.

  She had another two, and that emptied the bottle. (The first one.) By then she was singing "Avalon" in her best minstrel voice, and doing her best minstrel eye-rolls. It was painful to see and even more painful to hear.

  I went into the kitchen to get another bottle of wine, and judged the time was right to call Henry. Although, as I've said, I was not in great hopes. I could only do it if he were my willing accomplice, and in my heart I believed that he would shy from the deed when the talk ran out and the time actually came. If so, we would simply put her to bed. In the morning I would tell her I'd changed my mind about selling my father's land.

  Henry came, and nothing in his white, woeful face offered any encouragement for success. "Poppa, I don't think I can," he whispered. "It's Mama."

  "If you can't, you can't," I said, and there was nothing of the Conniving Man in that. I was resigned; what would be would be. "In any case, she's happy for the first time in months. Drunk, but happy."

  "Not just squiffy? She's drunk?"

  "Don't be surprised; getting her own way is the only thing that ever makes her happy. Surely 14 years with her is long enough to have taught you that."

  Frowning, he cocked an ear to the porch as the woman who'd given him birth launched into a jarring but word-for-word rendition of "Dirty McGee." Henry frowned at this barrelhouse ballad, perhaps because of the chorus ("She was willin' to help him stick it in / For it was Dirty McGee again"), more likely at the way she was slurring the words. Henry had taken the Pledge at a Methodist Youth Fellowship Camp-Out on Labor Day weekend of the year before. I rather enjoyed his shock. When teenagers aren't turning like weathervanes in a high wind, they're as stiff as Puritans.

  "She wants you to join us and have a glass of wine."

  "Poppa, you know I promised the Lord I would never drink."

  "You'll have to take that up with her. She wants to have a celebration. We're selling up and moving to Omaha."

  "No!"

  "Well... we'll see. It's really up to you, Son. Come out on the porch."

  His mother rose tipsily to her feet when she saw him, wrapped her arms around his waist, pressed her body rather too tightly against his, and covered his face with extravagant kisses. Unpleasantly smelly ones, from the way he grimaced. The Conniving Man, meanwhile, filled up her glass, which was empty again.

  "Finally we're all together! My men see sense!" She raised her glass in a toast, and slopped a goodly portion of it onto her bosom. She laughed and gave me a wink. "If you're good, Wilf, you can suck it out of the cloth later on."

  Henry looked at her with confused distaste as she plopped back down in her rocker, raised her skirts, and tucked them between her legs. She saw the look and laughed.

  "No need to be so prissy. I've seen you with Shannon Cotterie. Li'l baggage, but she's got pretty hair and a nice little figger." She drank off the rest of her wine and belched. "If you're not getting a touch of that, you're a fool. Only you'd better be careful. Fourteen's not too young to marry. Out here in the middle, fourteen's not too young to marry your cousin." She laughed some more and held out her glass. I filled it from the second bottle.

  "Poppa, she's had enough," Henry said, as disapproving as a parson. Above us, the first stars were winking into view above that vast flat emptiness I have loved all my life.

  "Oh, I don't know," I said. "In vino veritas, that's what Pliny the Elder said... in one of those books your mother's always sneering about."

  "Hand on the plow all day, nose in a book all night," Arlette said. "Except when he's got something else in me."

  "Mama!"

  "Mama!" she mocked, then raised her glass in the direction of Harlan Cotterie's farm, although it was too far for us to see the lights. We couldn't have seen them even if it had been a mile closer, now that the corn was high. When summer comes to Nebraska, each farmhouse is a ship sailing a vast green ocean. "Here's to Shannon Cotterie and her brand-new bubbies, and if my son don't know the color of her nipples, he's a
slowpoke."

  My son made no reply to this, but what I could see of his shadowed face made the Conniving Man rejoice.

  She turned to Henry, grasped his arm, and spilled wine on his wrist. Ignoring his little mew of distaste, looking into his face with sudden grimness, she said: "Just make sure that when you're lying down with her in the corn or behind the barn, you're a no -poke." She made her free hand into a fist, poked out the middle finger, then used it to tap a circle around her crotch: left thigh, right thigh, right belly, navel, left belly, back again to the left thigh. "Explore all you like, and rub around it with your Johnny Mac until he feels good and spits up, but stay out of the home place lest you find yourself locked in for life, just like your mummer and daddy."

  He got up and left, still without a word, and I don't blame him. Even for Arlette, this was a performance of extreme vulgarity. He must have seen her change before his eyes from his mother--a difficult woman but sometimes loving--to a smelly whorehouse madam instructing a green young customer. All bad enough, but he was sweet on the Cotterie girl, and that made it worse. Very young men cannot help but put their first loves on pedestals, and should someone come along and spit on the paragon... even if it happens to be one's mother...

  Faintly, I heard his door slam. And faint but audible sobbing.

  "You've hurt his feelings," I said.

  She expressed the opinion that feelings, like fairness, were also the last resort of weaklings. Then she held out her glass. I filled it, knowing she would remember none of what she'd said in the morning (always supposing she was still there to greet the morning), and would deny it--vehemently--if I told her. I had seen her in this state of drunkenness before, but not for years.

  We finished the second bottle (she did) and half of the third before her chin dropped onto her wine-stained bosom and she began to snore. Coming through her thus constricted throat, those snores sounded like the growling of an ill-tempered dog.

  I put my arm around her shoulders, hooked my hand into her armpit, and hauled her to her feet. She muttered protests and slapped weakly at me with one stinking hand. "Lea' me 'lone. Want to go to slee'."

  "And you will," I said. "But in your bed, not out here on the porch."

  I led her--stumbling and snoring, one eye shut and the other open in a bleary glare--across the sitting room. Henry's door opened. He stood in it, his face expressionless and much older than his years. He nodded at me. Just one single dip of the head, but it told me all I needed to know.

  I got her on the bed, took off her shoes, and left her there to snore with her legs spread and one hand dangling off the mattress. I went back into the sitting room and found Henry standing beside the radio Arlette had hounded me into buying the year before.

  "She can't say those things about Shannon," he whispered.

  "But she will," I said. "It's how she is, how the Lord made her."

  "And she can't take me away from Shannon."

  "She'll do that, too," I said. "If we let her."

  "Couldn't you... Poppa, couldn't you get your own lawyer?"

  "Do you think any lawyer whose services I could buy with the little bit of money I have in the bank could stand up to the lawyers Farrington would throw at us? They swing weight in Hemingford County; I swing nothing but a sickle when I want to cut hay. They want that 100 acres and she means for them to have it. This is the only way, but you have to help me. Will you?"

  For a long time he said nothing. He lowered his head, and I could see tears dropping from his eyes to the hooked rug. Then he whispered, "Yes. But if I have to watch it... I'm not sure I can..."

  "There's a way you can help and still not have to watch. Go into the shed and fetch a burlap sack."

  He did as I asked. I went into the kitchen and got her sharpest butcher knife. When he came back with the sack and saw it, his face paled. "Does it have to be that? Can't you... with a pillow..."

  "It would be too slow and too painful," I said. "She'd struggle." He accepted that as if I had killed a dozen women before my wife and thus knew. But I didn't. All I knew was that in all my half-plans--my daydreams of being rid of her, in other words--I had always seen the knife I now held in my hand. And so the knife it would be. The knife or nothing.

  We stood there in the glow of the kerosene lamps--there'd be no electricity except for generators in Hemingford Home until 1928--looking at each other, the great night-silence that exists out there in the middle of things broken only by the unlovely sound of her snores. Yet there was a third presence in that room: her ineluctable will, which existed separate of the woman herself (I thought I sensed it then; these 8 years later I am sure). This is a ghost story, but the ghost was there even before the woman it belonged to died.

  "All right, Poppa. We'll... we'll send her to Heaven." Henry's face brightened at the thought. How hideous that seems to me now, especially when I think of how he finished up.

  "It will be quick," I said. Man and boy I've slit nine-score hogs' throats, and I thought it would be. But I was wrong.

  Let it be told quickly. On the nights when I can't sleep--and there are many--it plays over and over again, every thrash and cough and drop of blood in exquisite slowness, so let it be told quickly.

  We went into the bedroom, me in the lead with the butcher knife in my hand, my son with the burlap sack. We went on tiptoe, but we could have come in clashing cymbals without waking her up. I motioned Henry to stand to my right, by her head. Now we could hear the Big Ben alarm clock ticking on her nightstand as well as her snores, and a curious thought came to me: we were like physicians attending the deathbed of an important patient. But I think physicians at deathbeds do not as a rule tremble with guilt and fear.

  Please let there not be too much blood, I thought. Let the bag catch it. Even better, let him cry off now, at the last minute.

  But he didn't. Perhaps he thought I'd hate him if he did; perhaps he had resigned her to Heaven; perhaps he was remembering that obscene middle finger, poking a circle around her crotch. I don't know. I only know he whispered, "Good-bye, Mama," and drew the bag down over her head.

  She snorted and tried to twist away. I had meant to reach under the bag to do my business, but he had to push down tightly on it to hold her, and I couldn't. I saw her nose making a shape like a shark's fin in the burlap. I saw the look of panic dawning on his face, too, and knew he wouldn't hold on for long.

  I put one knee on the bed and one hand on her shoulder. Then I slashed through the burlap and the throat beneath. She screamed and began to thrash in earnest. Blood welled through the slit in the burlap. Her hands came up and beat the air. Henry stumbled away from the bed with a screech. I tried to hold her. She pulled at the gushing bag with her hands and I slashed at them, cutting three of her fingers to the bone. She shrieked again--a sound as thin and sharp as a sliver of ice--and the hand fell away to twitch on the counterpane. I slashed another bleeding slit in the burlap, and another, and another. Five cuts in all I made before she pushed me away with her unwounded hand and then tore the burlap sack up from her face. She couldn't get it all the way off her head--it caught in her hair--and so she wore it like a snood.

  I had cut her throat with the first two slashes, the first time deep enough to show the gristle of her wind-pipe. With the last two I had carved her cheek and her mouth, the latter so deeply that she wore a clown's grin. It stretched all the way to her ears and showed her teeth. She let loose a gutteral, choked roar, the sound a lion might make at feeding-time. Blood flew from her throat all the way to the foot of the counterpane. I remember thinking it looked like the wine when she held her glass up to the last of the daylight.

  She tried to get out of bed. I was first dumbfounded, then infuriated. She had been a trouble to me all the days of our marriage and was a trouble even now, at our bloody divorce. But what else should I have expected?

  "Oh Poppa, make her stop!" Henry shrieked. "Make her stop, o Poppa, for the love of God make her stop!"

  I leaped on her like an ardent
lover and drove her back down on her blood-drenched pillow. More harsh growls came from deep in her mangled throat. Her eyes rolled in their sockets, gushing tears. I wound my hand into her hair, yanked her head back, and cut her throat yet again. Then I tore the counterpane free from my side of the bed and wrapped it over her head, catching all but the first pulse from her jugular. My face had caught that spray, and hot blood now dripped from my chin, nose, and eyebrows.

  Behind me, Henry's shrieks ceased. I turned around and saw that God had taken pity on him (assuming He had not turned His face away when He saw what we were about): he had fainted. Her thrashings began to weaken. At last she lay still... but I remained on top of her, pressing down with the counterpane, now soaked with her blood. I reminded myself that she had never done anything easily. And I was right. After thirty seconds (the tinny mail-order clock counted them off), she gave another heave, this time bowing her back so strenuously that she almost threw me off. Ride 'em, Cowboy, I thought. Or perhaps I said it aloud. That I can't remember, God help me. Everything else, but not that.

  She subsided. I counted another thirty tinny ticks, then thirty after that, for good measure. On the floor, Henry stirred and groaned. He began to sit up, then thought better of it. He crawled into the farthest corner of the room and curled in a ball.

  "Henry?" I said.

  Nothing from the curled shape in the corner.

  "Henry, she's dead. She's dead and I need help."

  Nothing still.

  "Henry, it's too late to turn back now. The deed is done. If you don't want to go to prison--and your father to the electric chair--then get on your feet and help me."

  He staggered toward the bed. His hair had fallen into his eyes; they glittered through the sweat-clumped locks like the eyes of an animal hiding in the bushes. He licked his lips repeatedly.

  "Don't step in the blood. We've got more of a mess to clean up in here than I wanted, but we can take care of it. If we don't track it all through the house, that is."

  "Do I have to look at her? Poppa, do I have to look?"

  "No. Neither of us do."

  We rolled her up, making the counterpane her shroud. Once it was done, I realized we couldn't carry her through the house that way; in my half-plans and daydreams, I had seen no more than a discreet thread of blood marring the counterpane where her cut throat (her neatly cut throat) lay beneath. I had not foreseen or even considered the reality: the white counterpane was a blackish-purple in the dim room, oozing blood as a bloated sponge will ooze water.